Things to Prove You are a Mumbayite...

* You say "town" and expect everyone to know that this means south of Churchgate
* You speak in a dialect of Hindi called 'Bambaiya Hindi', which only Mumbayite can understand
* Your door has more than 3 locks
* Rs.500/- worth of groceries fit in one paper bag
* Train timings (9.27, 10.49 etc) are really important events of life
* You spend more time each month traveling than you spend at home
* You call an 8' x 10' clustered room a Hall
* You're paying Rs.10,000/- for a 1 room flat, the size of walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal"
* You have the following sets of friend: school friends, college friends, neighborhood friends, office friends and yes, train friends, a species unique only in Mumbai.
* Cabbies and bus conductors think you are from Mars if you call the roads by their Indian name, they are more familiar with Warden Road, Peddar Road, Altamount Road etc.
* Stock market quotes are the only other thing besides cricket which you follow passionately
* The first thing that you read in the Times of India is the "Bombay Times" supplement
* You take fashion seriously. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you
* You compare Mumbai to New York's Manhattan instead of any other cities of India
* The most frequently used part of your car is the horn
* You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression
* Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes
* Being truly alone makes you nervous
* You love wading through knee deep mucky water in the monsoons, and actually call it ''romantic'
* Only in Mumbai, you would get Chinese Dosa and Jain Chicke

Amchi Mumbai

A city…

Where everything is possible, especially the impossible
Where lovers first love and then marry, Where there is place for every Tom, Dick and Harry
Where telephone bills make a person ill, Where a person cannot sleep without a pill

Where carbon-dioxide is more than oxygen, Where the road is considered to be a dustbin
Where college canteens are full and classes empty, Where Adam teasing is also making an entry
Where a cycle reaches faster than a car, Where everyone thinks himself to be a star

Where sky scrapers overlook the slum, Where houses collapse as the monsoon comes
Where people first act and then think, Where there is more water in the pen than ink
Where the roads see-saw in monsoon, Where the beggars become rich soon

Where the roads are leveled when the minister arrives
Where college admission means hard cash, Where cement is frequently mixed with ash
This is Mumbai my dear, But don't fear, just cheer and come to Mumbai every year!

Mumbai Not Like That!

Mumbai i.e. Bombay has no bombs and is a harbor not a bay
Churchgate has neither a church nor a gate. It is a railway station
There is no darkness in Andheri
Lalbaag is neither red nor a garden
Neither king ever stayed at Kings Circle, nor did Queen Victoria stay at Victoria Terminus, nor is there any princess at Princess Street
Lower Parel is at the same level as Parel
There are no marines or sailors at Marine Lines
The Mahalaxmi temple is at Haji Ali not at Mahalaxmi
There are no pigs traded at Dukar bazaar
Teen bati is a junction of 3 roads, not three lamps
Trams used to terminate at Kings circle not Dadar Tram Terminus (Dadar T.T.)
Breach Candy is not a sweetmeat market, but there is a Hospital
Safed Pool has the dirtiest and blackest water
You cannot buy coal at Kolsa street
There are no Iron smiths at Lohar chawl
There are no pot makers at Kumbhar wada
Lokhandwala complex is not an Iron and steel market
Null bazaar does not sell taps
You will not find ladyfingers at Bheendi Bazaar
Kalachowki does not have a black Police station
Hanging Gardens are not suspended
Mirchi Gully does not sell chillies
Figs do not grow in Anjir Wadi, Sitafals do not grow in Sitafal Wadi, Jackfruits do not grow at Fanaswadi
But it is true that you may get fleeced at Chor Bazaar!!!

Unity in Diversity

‘Unity in Diversity’ is the main characteristics of Indian culture. Bengali, Bihari, Punjabi, Gujarati all the communities live with their dignities here. All the people have their will, their aspirations and, of course, their dreams…These are the situations and imaginary perceptions about them when they meet together…

Bengali

One Bengali = poet
Two Bengalies = a film society
Three Bengalies = political party
Four Bengalies = two political parties
More than four Bengalies = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli back into Team

Bihari

One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav
Two Biharies = booth-capturing squad
Three Biharies = caste killing
Four Biharies = entire literate population of Patna

Punjabi

One Punjabi = 100 kg. hulk named as Pinky
Two Punjabies = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at local McDonalds
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one

Malayalies

One Malayali = coconut stall
Two Malayalies = a boat race
Three Malayalies = gulf job racket
Four Malayalies = oil slick

Uttar Pradesh

One bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two bhaiyyas = halwai shop [sweet shop]
Three bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly
Four bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad

Gujaraties

One Gujarati = share-broker in a Mubai train
Two Gujaratis = rummy game in a Mumbai train
Three Gujaratis = Mumbai’s noisiest restaurant
Four Gujaratis = stock market scam

Andhraite

One Andhraite = chili farmer
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie

Kashmiri

One Kashmiri = carpet salesman
Two Kashmiries = carpet factory
Three Kashmiries = terrorist outfit
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order

Tamil-Brahmin

One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple
Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class
Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the US consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara

Mumbayite

One Mumbayite = footpath vada-pav stall
Two Mumbayites = film studio
Three Mumbayites = slum
Four Mumbayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour

Sindhi

One Sindhi = currency racket
Two Sindhis = papad factory
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association

Marwari

One Marwari = the neighborhood foodstuffs adulterator
Two Marwaris = 50% of Kolkata
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis and Sindhis
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community

Haryanvi

One Haryanavi = tube light
Two Haryanavies = agriculture
Three haryannavies = Lathi squad
Four haryanavies = actually just one was enough

Ask Petrol Bunk Helper to Hold Gun Down...

This is a freak incident that happened recently. A young man and his 4 year old son went to a petrol bunk near Lal bagh in Bangalore to fill in petrol for his bike. Boy was sitting on the pillion behind him. The helper who fills petrol held the petrol gun upwards, and turned towards the meter to re-set the meter.

As soon as the setting was done the petrol came out gushing out of the gun- due to some malfunction- (at least that's what they said) in full speed and splashed all over the 4 year old boy and his father. Petrol entered the eyes of the boy. Immediately the boy was taken into the cleaning area and was showered in a water jet. They washed his eyes with lot of water. But the boy could not see anything. The young man took the child to the hospital and immediately the hospital authorities put him in Intensive Care Unit. The kid was then transferred to Vittala Netralaya and after 2 days of treatment he got some vision again.

Now, he is alright and is at home. The doctors told that just because the water cleaning was done immediately, he has vision today otherwise the boy would have been blind by now. Petrol, along with impurities can burn the tissues inside the eye.

So, it is advised that please take some precautions next time you are at a petrol bunk---

* If the engine was in running condition, this could have caused a major Fire. So, switch off the engine in bunks

* Drop small kids and the person sitting behind you outside the bunk and fill in petrol. Kids are more sensitive than grown ups

* Ask the petrol bunk helper boy to hold the gun down. Even if there is such an accident let the petrol flow down and not on your face

Simple Formulae and Quotes…

Smart man + smart woman = Romance

Smart man + dumb woman = Pregnancy

Dumb man + smart woman = Affair

Dumb man + dumb woman = Marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = Profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = Production

Dumb boss + smart employee = Promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = Overtime

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband

* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

* To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little

* To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

A Love Story...

Girl and boy were on a motorcycle, speeding through the night. They loved each other a lot...

Girl: "Slow down a little... I'm scared..."

Boy: "No, it's so fun..."

Girl: "Please... it's so scary..."

Boy: "Then say that you love me..."

Girl: "Fine... I love you... can you slow down now?"

Boy: "Give me a big hug...". Girl gave him a big hug.

Girl: "Now can you slow down?"

Boy: "Can you take off my helmet and put it on? It's uncomfortable and it's bothering me while I drive."

The next day, there was a story in newspaper. A motorcycle had crashed into a building because its brakes were broken. There were two people on motorcycle, of which one died, and the other had survived. The guy knew that the brakes were broken. He didn't want to let the girl know, because he knew that the girl would have gotten scared. Instead, he was told the last time that she loved him, got a hug from her, put his helmet on her so that she can live, and die himself...

When a Boy... and When a Girl...!

When a boy is quiet..., He has nothing to say.

When a boy is not arguing..., He is not in the mood of arguing.

When a boy looks at you with eyes full of question..., He is really confused.

When a boy answers "I am fine" after a few seconds..., He is actually fine.

When a boy stars at you..., He is either amazed or angry.

When a boy lays in your lap..., He is wishing for you to be his forever.

When a boy calls you everyday..., He is spending a lot of talk time to get your attention.

When a boy SMS you everyday..., He is forwarding them.

When a boy says 'I love you'..., It's not the first time.

When a boy says that he can't live without you..., He has made up his mind that you are his for at least a week.

While...

When a girl is quiet..., Millions of things are running in her mind.

When a girl is not arguing..., She is thinking deeply.

When a girl look at you with eyes full of questions..., She is wondering how long you will be around.

When a girl answers "I am fine" after a few seconds..., She is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you..., She is wondering why you are lying.

When a girl lays on your chest..., She is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl calls you everyday..., She is seeking for your attention.

When a girl SMS you everyday..., She wants you to reply at least once.

When a girl says 'I love you'..., She means it.

When a girl says that she can't live without you..., She has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a girl says 'I miss you'..., No one in this world can miss you more than her.

(Contributed by Kiran Verma, New Delhi)